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> DY's Works, Here goes...
Dark Yuna
post Apr 28 2007, 07:04 PM
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Before you read my works, please note that I am a fairly inexperienced poet/lyricist, therefore these are some of my first attempts at trying these things. They won't be brilliant, unless you want them to be smile.gif I will probably be posting poems and/or lyrics, maybe some Haikus or Limericks, if I have felt creative enough to write any. Feedback and comments are welcome, as are tips to improve. So...here goes! *fingers crossed*

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Poem 1 - Angels - This was a short piece that sprouted from my imagination about a week before Christmas (hence the theme), created by using just a few simple words and phrases to show some stretch of emotion in the poem.

I once wished upon a star
For a snowy Christmas Eve
Where everything was glowing
Like the tears of angels
Glittering in the night

I once wished upon a star
For a snowy Christmas Day
Where the wind was cold and soothing
Like the breath of angels
Whispering your name

I once wished upon a star
For a snowy Christmas night
Where I always thought of you
Like a memory never passed
Forever in my heart


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Lyrics 1 - Lies - This one was created when I experienced a rather harsh and upsetting emotional blow, involving myself and a female friend. I had always said that there was something special about her, but when I told her how I felt, she told me that it wouldn't happen, and that we would just be great friends, nothing more. Then, she got a bit cold towards me, doing things that a friend wouldn't do normally (not saying what). So I wrote this as it flowed into my mind. This is a first attempt at lyrics, this time, and I know that some bits need to be worked on, so here is the original text.

You used to stare into my eyes
You used to never tell lies
You used to make me feel alive
You used to make my pain subside
You used to chase my fears away
You used to hold me, night and day
I never thought it would end this way

(chorus) You were my lover
My deadly addiction
We loved each other
A romantic restriction
Until you cast me away
Leaving me cold
With a life of grief
That I can't behold

You shared your regrets
You shared your woes
You would never forget
I'll go wherever you go
You shared your bliss
You shared your first kiss
I never thought it would end like this

(chorus) You were my lover
My deadly addiction
We loved each other
A romantic restriction
Until you cast me away
Leaving me cold
With a life of grief
That I can't behold

I did what you told me
I did what you said
I did what you asked for
You were stuck in my head
I sat in a corner
I cried and I cried
You said you'd come running
I could tell that you lied

(chorus) You were my lover
My deadly addiction
We loved each other
A romantic restriction
Until you cast me away
Leaving me cold
With a life of grief
That I can't behold


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Swordsman
post Apr 29 2007, 01:54 AM
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Wow DY... shok.gif

That's some great work for someone who hasn't done much poetry/lyric writing before. The poem was good, but I think that it would have flowed more if it had rhymed, (or maybe it was just the way I was reading it). Although, rhyming is particularly difficult so what you've done there is pretty impressive nonetheless.

I particularly enjoyed the song lyrics you wrote. The chorus is awesome! I hope you don't intend on changing it much. If only I could hear it to a tune, that would make it all the better.

Overall, a double thumbs up. d^^b

Nice work DY. I hope you share more soon. smile.gif


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Dark Yuna
post Apr 30 2007, 06:14 PM
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Thank you, Swordsman! smile.gif *hand out sweets*

I thought the chorus for Lies was just a tad depressing, but it does reflect brief moments of the upsetting part of my life mentioned.

Personally, I think that the lines below is the best verse of the song:

QUOTE
I did what you told me
I did what you said
I did what you asked for
You were stuck in my head
I sat in a corner
I cried and I cried
You said you'd come running
I could tell that you lied


It has a lot of truth in that, so I like it more.

Once again, thanks for the positive feedback! biggrin.gif


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Lonedove
post Apr 30 2007, 10:14 PM
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Your writing in free verse? Angels had to be my favorite. <3 In Lies there is a lot of feeling and it flows very nicely. Almost like a story. I see it more as song lyrics then poetry. Good work, DY. =D


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girlsrgamers2
post May 1 2007, 10:33 AM
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These are some of your first poems/lyrics? shok.gif I'm impressed! I absolutely loved Angels. It is very emotional and beautiful. smile.gif I also enjoyed Lies. I'd love to hear it accompanied by music. Great work, DY!


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B.Valentine
post May 4 2007, 12:53 AM
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both of thema re amazing....i really dont know which ones my fav.....i hope you keep on posting more poems/lyrics cus they are great and keep up the good work!!!!


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Dark Yuna
post May 4 2007, 07:57 PM
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Thank you for the comments, Lonedove, girlsrgamers2 and B.Valentine! Your feedback is appreciated! I have a new poem to post. I wrote this about 2 days ago, in about an hour. It took a while for a few words/lines to come into my mind, but I quite like this one, so here is another poem for you to enjoy smile.gif

Poem 2 - Paradise - I wrote this about 2 days ago, in about an hour. It took a while for a few words/lines to come into my mind, but I quite like this one, so here is another poem for you to enjoy smile.gif

As the Sun bathes us in morning痴 glow,
Turn to me and let me know
Every little detail of every little dream
Every little thing and I値l tell you what they mean
You can tell me anything, anything at all
Tell me anything you want until night begins to fall
And the moonlight shines, lighting up your eyes
Showing me the love that痴 burning brightly inside

And when the second day is born
The moon has faded and the darkness is torn
We値l be together, never apart
United forever, always in my heart
I can hold you in my arms amongst the fresh morning dew
I値l hold you in my arms and say that I love you
Forever in my memories, forever in my mind
I値l always be your lover and you値l always be mine

Then the third morning痴 light reflects the sweetness of your kiss
Another taste of paradise, another taste of bliss
I reach out and hold your hand
And take you to a special place to lie upon the sand
This is what we wanted, and this is where we値l stay
We値l remain here and enjoy our life, every day
Everything is perfect we said so all along
As long as we池e together, nothing can go wrong.


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B.Valentine
post May 4 2007, 11:02 PM
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But you're so supreme!!!
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an hour!? wow...its was really worth cus its a beautiful poem! i love the rhyme and the way it flows!


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Kira Lee
post May 5 2007, 05:01 AM
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Wow, good job DY! I liked all your other works but my favorite was Paradise. I loved it. It fit so well together and thew way you decribed it was beautiful. Good job.


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Dark Yuna
post Jun 28 2007, 12:46 PM
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Thanks for the feedback guys. I'll try and post some more things more often. I have a new one.

Poem 3 - Lonely Bird - I'm not sure what to make of this one. I wrote it in my Science lesson in school because I had finished both lesson's work in 1, so I decided to kill some time. It's a darker poem to the ones that I usually write, but maybe my mood at the time affected the lines that came to mind. Anyway, here goes.

I知 alone in this world
With no-one to see
That the only one for you
Could just be me.
I think of these things and frown
Always looking up, yet falling down
Into the wrong state of mind
Because I can稚 seem to find myself
Anymore.

I知 the last bird in the nest
But maybe it痴 best
But I can稚 get this feeling
Off of my chest
I cry and I cry
And wish I would die
As without you
There痴 no need to live
Anymore.

I知 the only one around
My fake smiles turn to tears
As I remember the things you said
That I don稚 want to hear
的t値l never happen
That痴 what you said
So stamp on my heart
And leave me for dead
Again.

I can稚 just let go
I tell you it痴 real
I壇 give anything to make you
Feel as I feel
Hold me in your arms
And wish me goodbye
As you brush me away
But I値l try and I値l try
Again.


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Lonedove
post Jun 28 2007, 10:50 PM
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I think you should reconsider and rename this poem: lonedove. =p lol. kidding. kidding. 8D

I liked it. I personally think that some of your previous works were better. Yet, this one had this feeling of a story, a really good bedtime story. ^^





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Kira Lee
post Jun 29 2007, 12:44 AM
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Thats was very nice.

I think the darker feeling was a big change, but you handled it well. I really like it and it gives me a feeling...like someone should be whispering it.

Awesome: ]


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B.Valentine
post Jun 29 2007, 01:08 AM
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But you're so supreme!!!
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it has a sad feeling but it doesnt take the beauty away from the poem...good job..i loved it!


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Dark Yuna
post Jun 30 2007, 10:55 AM
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Thanks for the comments - I also don't think this was as good as some of my other ones, but it came from boredom in school. Need I say more? laugh.gif

I may end up posting a bit of my English work here (after it's graded, so that you couldn't help, because it would be classed as cheating. I've already been told that it's probably going to get me a strong A grade by my teacher, so it should be interesting to read your comments)


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CREA
post Jun 30 2007, 08:14 PM
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Awww... it's actually very sad, but i can relate to it so i really like it.
keep it up smile.gif
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CREA
post Jun 30 2007, 08:16 PM
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please erase double post (sorry)

This post has been edited by CREA: Jun 30 2007, 08:16 PM
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Dark Yuna
post Jul 10 2007, 06:15 PM
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Thanks for the feedback, CREA. I'll try and work on the project ASAP (I have a random little, stupid poem below).

Poem 4 - Summer With You - Random poem I wrote when I was bored, in a 'diamante' style (diamond-shaped). I personally don't really like it, but at least it has a theme relating to reality at the moment.

Summer
Warm sun
Hot like flame
Dance in the heat
Gather in the lush meadows
Like moths to a burning flame
Looking over at the beautiful horizon for
Pearly clouds, emerald treetops, ruby sunsets, sapphire skies
Wishing you were here by my side
To brighten up my darkened days
To help me forget you
And to forgive myself
I wish that
It was
Summer


***

Lyrics 2 - Roxy's Hold - I'm debating whether or not to change the name of the song, but it will do for now. Again, I wrote this when feeling pretty bored, so it may be a bit scruffy in areas. I've also included possible musical accompaniments (marked between two *), which could be edited if you guys don't think they would work. I used the name 'Roxy' because it seems to work well in songs/poetry, and I also like the name. Bracketed sections show alternative singer in background singing the word shown. So, here it is:

*piano intro and melody for Verse 1*

She's colder than an iceberg,
But she's hotter than a flame,
She's playing with my mind
And it'll never be the same
She made me lose my past
And now my future's black
She stole my heart
And I'm gonna take it back

*electric guitar slow build up to chorus*

Roxy (Roxy), I don't wanna play your games,
Roxy (Roxy), I gotta break these chains,
Roxy (Roxy), tell me why you just can't see,
That your deceptive eyes have got a hold on me.

*guitar & piano accompanies Verse 2*

She's softer than a spiderweb
But harder than a stone
I'll never be with her
I've gotta spend my days alone
I lost my happiness
So I'll take her's, too
Just pray and hope the same
Won't happen to you

*guitar build up*

Roxy (Roxy), I don't wanna play your games,
Roxy (Roxy), I gotta break these chains,
Roxy (Roxy), tell me why you just can't see,
That your deceptive eyes have got a hold on me.

*Guitar solo, followed by lyrics*

She twisted me around for too many days
She mixed my mind with my love, now they're going seperate ways
I'll think twice next time before I give away my heart
I couldn't see through your lies, now we're torn apart

Roxy (Roxy), I don't wanna play your games,
Roxy (Roxy), I gotta break these chains,
Roxy (Roxy), tell me why you just can't see,
That your deceptive eyes have got a hold on me.

Roxy (Roxy), I don't wanna play your games,
Roxy (Roxy), I gotta break these chains,
Roxy (Roxy), tell me why you just can't see,
That your deceptive eyes have got a hold on me.

*extro guitar chords or mini-solo, followed by piano ending*


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CREA
post Jul 10 2007, 06:32 PM
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time moves backwards into a cliff
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a guitar would sound great with this type of song ( i love rock music, and it seems appropiate).. oh our deadline ( for &) is july 20.
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Dark Yuna
post Jul 10 2007, 06:38 PM
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^ 2 days after my birthday then. I'll try and think of something by then.

And, of course, thanks for commenting.

smile.gif


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CREA
post Jul 10 2007, 06:42 PM
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Ooh how old are you turning?

i really liked it so i HAD to comment smile.gif
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