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> Nerv's Works, Previous title was getting a tad retarded.
NervPoison
post Jul 1 2007, 08:50 PM
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And then I write. Stories mostly, but now it's a poem (one that I use in my stories though).

The Beast That Commanded The World To Die

Don't succumb
Not yet
You shouldn't...

I know
Dreadful is the pain
When a dragon inside
Decides to spread his wings

Howling and growling
Abhoring and roaring
At all that is you
At all that is

I know
Heroes and saints
Only a distant echo
Not to be yours

But do not succumb
Not yet
You shouldn't...


It's not very obvious imo, but it's supposed to describe the feeling that makes you hate everyone and everything (bad exams, being bullied, etc.). and the powerlessness that the friends of the victim experience: listening and encouraging is, more often than not, the only thing they can do. I hope that feeling is present and recognizable somewhere in the poem.

Again, all emotions expressed are fake (I feel pretty good, albeit bored).
Rate please (let's see how far beginner's luck stretches). laugh.gif


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NervPoison
post Jul 4 2007, 08:58 PM
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I've decided to throw some more poems in my "novel" (not that it deserves the honor of being called that way) to add some depth to it so here's another one.
Sorry for double posting but it's not like anyone else is going to post here and I don't know where else I should put it. tongue.gif

Fire/Brimstone

No heat!
Mountains of snow never erupt
Perhaps they are too gentle
Perhaps they are too white
My unpunished tissue beseeches cruel flames
Some wish for silk and not the whip
Cast me into the lake of fire!
No heat, no warmth
Makes me forget to breathe
Suffocate, in my trail of sulphur


I'm not much a poet, but be honest nonetheless. Opinions please?


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Dawn
post Jul 5 2007, 08:12 AM
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Actually, this last poem shows contrast in a quite good way. Contrast is quite a common resource in poetry and here it is used quite well.

The first poem shows those emotions quite well too. And sometimes it's not necessary to be under those emotions of feelings to write about them. It has happened to me as well


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QUOTE(Steve Kilbey)
Something must be wrong when weapons are legal and pot is banned


QUOTE(rainbowbrat)
I am a carnivore, though, I eat all kinds of meat :p


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CREA
post Jul 5 2007, 07:59 PM
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I like the last poem better...
it just seems more... tragic ( idk if that's the word i was looking for).
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NervPoison
post Jul 6 2007, 06:49 PM
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@shyman: Well, the idea was to make something that could be read as a dialogue, between A who doesn't get mad at B but instead gives him/her the shoulder, and B who finds it more painful than a verbal tantrum or even physical pain. So yeah, I needed the contrast. Good thing it turned out fine, I guess. smile.gif

Bad one below. Don't read it if you're only into good poetry. biggrin.gif Don't like it myself.

MIR

Every time you look in the mirror
You leave something of you behind

Loyal to its chaste paradox
It does not remember beauty or heritage
But that which only it can fathom

It calls you to account
Requests that you live for you
Perhaps 't is your only god

Elude it not
With a myriad of mirages

When you visit yourself
Make it something
Worth watching again

Make it something
Your reflection
Can be proud of


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Dawn
post Jul 6 2007, 06:54 PM
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Quite a good instrospective mood in this last one. I liked it. Really tongue.gif


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Once known as shyman

QUOTE(Steve Kilbey)
Something must be wrong when weapons are legal and pot is banned


QUOTE(rainbowbrat)
I am a carnivore, though, I eat all kinds of meat :p


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NervPoison
post Jul 7 2007, 12:16 PM
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Very important for recent story chapters I am working on. I mustn't conclude them with a half-baked poem. Opinions and suggestions are therefore very much appreciated (as always). smile.gif

Bathroom Floor Of Worms And Maggots

When I want to run into the world
I notice that my legs are gone

Even as I wretch my sins out
I feel angst crawling back in

My army of cadavers sinks into the depths
Telling me I'm next

No, I cannot shape and colour myself
If my enemy is the path I tread

Release me
Before it eats me


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Lonedove
post Jul 13 2007, 06:11 PM
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L o s t L u n a t i c.
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QUOTE(NervPoison @ Jul 6 2007, 02:49 PM) *

Bad one below. Don't read it if you're only into good poetry. biggrin.gif Don't like it myself.


??? I thought this one was really good. Has a lot of feeling and I like the use of words. I couldn’t help but squirm reading bathroom floor of worms and maggots. XD That’s very good, It has mood in it.


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Sarah
post Jul 14 2007, 11:09 AM
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i really like your first one. i dont normally come to this forum xD but your topic caught my eye. i havnt read the others [ though i will sometime soon ]. Yeah the first one i like because its as if its saying dont give into the shit things like exams or whatever in your life even though they hurt & etc.

nice one!


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©xiitharn
pure morning«
our thoughts compressed which makes us blessed
which makes for stormy weather.
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NervPoison
post Jul 21 2007, 09:47 AM
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Thanks everyone! smile.gif I wasn't expecting much positive feedback actually so I'm pleasantly suprised. biggrin.gif

Haven't written a rhyming poem before, so here goes.

Wondering, Pondering, And Learning To Hate

You are not meant
To be that which you dreamt
So easily you give in
And accept hell with a grin

Right when Light intervenes
You don't want to break through
But when the Dark stalks the scenes
You're somehow there too

Under the guise of a martyr
You smile and condemn
You only make things harder
For you and for them

YRU?


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Dawn
post Jul 21 2007, 04:30 PM
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Considering how difficult I find to rhym, this one is pretty decent and have strong moments, soecially in the second paragraph

Good job


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Once known as shyman

QUOTE(Steve Kilbey)
Something must be wrong when weapons are legal and pot is banned


QUOTE(rainbowbrat)
I am a carnivore, though, I eat all kinds of meat :p


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NervPoison
post Jul 21 2007, 08:15 PM
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Another one I need for my story. Please rate (I'll owe you). smile.gif

Babel

If all people were building blocks
Birds would eat their hearts out
The peak would defy the earth
The peak would define the heavens

If all people were building blocks
There'd be sturdy and exhausted foundations
A zenith that craves outspoken grandeur
And a middle that laments its lack of fame

If all people were building blocks
They'd have to be strong
Sustaining the taunt of a hurricane
Disdaining the promise of lightning

If all people were building blocks
Then who'd be left to put them together?


EDIT: Since this has kind of become my "poetry" topic I decided to place the first one here again as well (without the annoying colours this time).
QUOTE
Crying Gold

Somewhere in my citadel
A heart lies
Ripened by my goddess' radiance
Into an apple of Idun

Spread thy palms
And I'll let winterwhite pigeons
Carry my soul and sense to you

Meanwhile
I'll make statues of crying gold
Lamenting
That they'll never be as precious as you


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Dawn
post Jul 22 2007, 11:08 AM
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This last one has become my favourite. Totally. It has an epic and strong atmosphere. The story seems quite promising. Don't give it up, please


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Once known as shyman

QUOTE(Steve Kilbey)
Something must be wrong when weapons are legal and pot is banned


QUOTE(rainbowbrat)
I am a carnivore, though, I eat all kinds of meat :p


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NervPoison
post Jul 22 2007, 11:45 PM
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QUOTE
The story seems quite promising.

The idea is to make a fantasy world where the fantasy aspect is inferior to aspects such as stroy depth and character development. Therefore I try to use a more abstract style of writing, which I think is easier when I add some poems. This one in particular is used to conclude a chapter where a major character died.

I experimented a bit and got this. Don't know if it appeals, but here goes.

Doubleface

I remember now, D
"Solitude is a vicious foe."
First there was me
Me and everybody else
Then there was us, D
And in the end there was you
Both of you


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Dawn
post Jul 23 2007, 09:25 PM
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Cryptic, is it?


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Once known as shyman

QUOTE(Steve Kilbey)
Something must be wrong when weapons are legal and pot is banned


QUOTE(rainbowbrat)
I am a carnivore, though, I eat all kinds of meat :p


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NervPoison
post Jul 24 2007, 11:20 AM
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Never thought of it that way. smile.gif
Two people meet up, fall in love and break up after D showed a side of him/her that wasn't meant to be seen (or at least the author accuses him/her of that). In the end they have nothing to say to eachother anymore (thus the shortness of the poem).
Well, that was the intention anyway. laugh.gif

You might want to highlight these when reading them. biggrin.gif
Still experimenting as you can see (but differently).

There's Some Electricity

Between the two of us
There's some electricity
Whether you like it or not

We've got amps and volts
And a lot of resistance
Still, you shock me every day

It's not enough to power a machine
But there's some electricity

...U
..N
.D
ENIA
....B
...L
..Y



Chord

Ebony and ivory live together
And so do we
Melody
Bound, linked
Joined
By piano wire
Always
We'll resonate
Chime
Making music
Sound
For our hearts
In love
Ebony & Ivory
Live together in perfect harmony


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Dawn
post Jul 24 2007, 10:11 PM
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Mixing colors and words was something I had not seen quite often before. And the choice is perfect, by the way


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Once known as shyman

QUOTE(Steve Kilbey)
Something must be wrong when weapons are legal and pot is banned


QUOTE(rainbowbrat)
I am a carnivore, though, I eat all kinds of meat :p


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NervPoison
post Jul 26 2007, 07:58 PM
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^Glad you reckognized the piano motif in "Chord". smile.gif
Didn't really know if it succeeded. Hope the lightning bolt thing in the first one worked too.

Advisable to highlight the next one as well. Be wardned though: it's quite blah. dry.gif

My World Is One Of Ice

It started with early frost
Heralding at the gate of a glacier
The arrival of an innermost winter
Everlasting

My glance strips you of all warmth
Skewering you with apathy
Reminding you of icicles
That have stigmatised before

Yes, in my palms lie countless blizzards
All diamonds carved from sadism
And still
Still I wish for the first snowflake to fall


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NervPoison
post Jul 27 2007, 08:36 PM
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Something different this time (I think); I've experimented with the story-telling technique. This is what I got:

Ego

Man has been long time obsessed
With matter called Ego
Upon delving for it
They awakened a deity
And named him Self

And the Ego was kept
Kept and never shared
For man forged it
Into hideous treasures
To feed their god

Do you believe this tale?
Or have you also tasted Ego?


Please let me know what you think of it. smile.gif


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Dawn
post Jul 27 2007, 09:14 PM
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It is strange that the first one, which is supposed to be an iced composition, is filled with a heating and slightly obscure atmosphere. Quite interesting

I have to say that I like the second one a lot, since I love story-telling lyrics and/or poems and this one is quite interesting as well


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Once known as shyman

QUOTE(Steve Kilbey)
Something must be wrong when weapons are legal and pot is banned


QUOTE(rainbowbrat)
I am a carnivore, though, I eat all kinds of meat :p


member of the Singles family,Hippie family and GOD family

Married to the loving Rainbowbrat
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